Ladies and gentlemen

Here he is

The "now" comedian

For the "now" generation

Mister Rudy Ray Moore

And I ain't lyin' either!

Some folks say that Willie Green

Was the baddest motherfucker the world ever seen

But I want you to light you up a joint and take a real good shit

And screw your wig on tight

And let me tell you about the little bad motherfucker called Dolemite

Now Dolemite was from San Antonio

A ramblin', scramblin', gamblin' lil' young motherfucker from the day he was born

Why, the day he was dropped from his mommy's ass

He slapped his papa's face and said

"From now on, cocksucker, I'm runnin' this place!"

At the age of one

He was drinkin' whiskey and gin

At the age of ten he was eating the bottles they came in

Now Dolemite had an uncle called Sudden Death

Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath

When his uncle heard how Dolemite was treatin' his own ma and pa

He said, "Let me go and check this lil' bad rascal before he go too far"

Now one cold dark December night

His uncle broke in on Dolemite

Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or four

When his uncle come breaking through the door

His uncle said, "Dolemite, said I want you to straighten up

And treat yo' brother right, 'cause if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin'

I'm gon' whoop your ass till your heart stop beatin'"

Dolemite sittin' in the middle of the floor playin'

He said, "I see your lips quiverin' unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin' word you're sayin'"

This made his uncle mad

He let off with wrath that made lightning flash

But Dolemite tore his leg off, he was that damn fast

Now the men of San Antonio gathered around that night

To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called Dolemite

It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town

To finally roll Dolemite's ass down, and put him in jail

They held him without bail

If you think his mami was happy, you should have seen his papi

Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed

The average motherfucker woulda long, long been dead

Now the Warden called Dolemite, said, "Dolemite

I'ma gon' tell you what we gon' do

We gon' give you a dollar and a half and a damn good knee up

If you promise to leave us alone and get your bad ass out of San Antonio"

Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good knee up

And said, "I'm gon' tell you old, jarred, moulded, ancient, decrepit motherfuckers how I feel

Said, "Y'all can suck my dick, nuts and ass down to the motherfuckin' bone

Because I ain't never comin' back to San Antonio"

Now Dolemite weren't no more than thirteen, when they let him out the cage

He said, "I'll thank the poor cross sea and try my fate"

He got a job in Africa kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape

He got run out of South America for fuckin' steers

He fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears

Now Dolemite worked for five years and a day, got his pay

Said, "Well, I'll leave, I'll go back to that jive-ass U.S.A"

Where the news of the heavyweight fight was bein' broadcast that night

And a special bulletin, said, "Look out, storms, atomic bombs, and Dolemite"

Now the first thing Dolemite encountered, was two big Rocky Mountains

He said, "Now, what y'all gon' do?"

They said, "We gon' part, Mr. Dolomite, and let yo' bad ass through"

Now Dolemite went on down to Kansas city

Chicken asses till both shoes were shitty

Hobo'd in desire

Who did he run into but that badass, two gun Pete?

He said, "Move over, and let me pass

'Fore they have to pull these triple A's out your motherfuckin' ass"

Went on down to 42nd Street

Looked, but no shit, but someplace he could sleep and eat

Run in to that shy neighbour, of all the hoes, she was the boss

She'd suck ya, fuck ya, and jack ya off

She said, "Come on down to my bed, Dolemite"

Said, "We gon' fuckin' fight till broad daylight"

Dolemite said, "Bitch, I had a job in Africa

Kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape

So then I got run out of South America for fuckin' steers

So then I fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears"

Mabel said, "I don't care where you goin' and where you been

Said, "I plan to wrap this good hot juicy pussy all around your badass chin"

Dolemite said, "Bitch, it's best you not fuck with me"

Said, "I better run you down some of my pedigree

So that's when they crossed muddy rivers that ain't never got wet

Mountains this fellow, old man ain't dead yet

I fucked an elephant and dad and her mother

I can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butt

I fucked another elephant down to a coon

Even fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the motherfuckin' moon

So I rode across the ocean on the head of my dick

And ate nine tonnes of catshit and ain't never got sick

And you talk about wrapping your hot juicy pussy all around my badass chin

Bitch! You oughta be blowin' up my ass tryna be my motherfuckin' friend"

Oh, but Mabel bought it

That's when the fuckin' started

She made her pussy do the mojo, the popcorn, the turkey, and the grime

Left Dolemite's ass nine strokes behind

She threw pussy up Dolemite's back, come out of his ears, down his side

Run out of his bonded

Damn near pulled his asshole outta the sucker

But Dolemite suddenly made a mojo turn

Had the crabs around that bitches asshole, hollerin', "Burn, baby, burn!"

But the next mornin' they found Mabel dead

With her jaws wrapped around a nappy ass head

And the crabs was madder than a motherfucker

To see Dolemite eat 'em out of they goddamn supper

But Dolemite kept on kickin' asses and fuckin' up in the fold

Till finally his roll was called

They had his viewing

Carried him down to the graveyard

Dolemite was dead

But his dick was still hard

The preacher said, "Ashes to ashes

And dust to dust

Said I'm glad

This little bad motherfucker called Dolemite

Is no longer here with us, bye bye"